Shane Glenn for HEARmag.com
There sure as hell is an awful lot of press right now about the ICP, and most of it isn’t positive. Reports of Juggalos being some type of hybrid gang has Yahoo and Wikipedia in an uproar.
Not really.
If there were any straight-laced DPD officers left, I would have bought them a ticket to the Hallowicked Clown Show so they could see just how ruthless the painted up majority really was. Or better yet, let me read to you what a fictional undercover agent wrote to his higher-ups explaining what he saw at Psychopathic Records latest lynching at The Fillmore.
SUBJECT: sting operation ninja
From:undercoverbrother@onetime.com
To:boatsandhoes@onetime.com
Dear Lieutenant and members of the gang task force,
The concert just ended and I am in my hotel room. There is so much to tell you, but I will keep it to a minimum (I just found out there is an afterparty right next to the hotel).
My first order of business was to survey the scene. I was interested in what I would see not only in the line, but during my brief walk from the parking lot several blocks away. What I found was a small park full of tents with signs reading, “Occupy Detroit.” That made me extremely uncomfortable. I thought if I didn’t speed up I might have to sign a petition and they would discover me as an undercover.
Upon my arrival in line, I was greeted with a few “hellos,” and “good evening sir.” I was amazed. I was almost certain that the first thing I would encounter was an offer to buy some form of gun or drugs. These things… these Juggalos, they’ve been excellent at hiding their weapons all night so far. With the exception of some face paint getting on my shirt, I made it inside the venue safely.
Apparently, the minds at Psychopathic Records have decided to allow their most committed and ruthless gang members, or Juggalos, an opportunity to meet their Godfathers, ICP and Twiztid. Unfortunately for the first felon to take the stage, there were more people than anticipated who were eager to learn the art of violence from the gang leaders, and I wasn’t unable to witness his deceptive message of cannibalism.
After I was patted down by security, I noticed another line in front of me. I was at a loss. I already had my ticket scanned. I already received my complimentary pat down. I assumed that this was the line to stand in if you were in a gang. I swear I thought this was going to be our big break! Nope, just some nimrods thinking it was a good idea to reward your fans with a free album, again.
If I wanted to blend in with the crowd, I needed to act a certain way. It appeared that everyone was flocking to the merchandise section, so I casually drifted over and bought a few albums that I recently lost, I mean, that I thought we could use as evidence. It didn’t put a dent in my per diem either!
I stayed near the bar for the first performer, whom I’m not sure the name of. I heard him referred to as The Dead Man, Colton Grundy and Blaze, so there’s three more aliases to add to the investigation. Anyways, Blaze’s music really resembled some hardcore gangster style. It reminded me of that case we were trying to build against that group on the west coast back in the late 80’s. I forgot their name, but they took the stage with the same attitude as this guy did– very ruthless and intimidating. I can tell you this, if I ran into him backstage, I would shake his hand and walk the other way. They guy was a beast. He had to be at least 6’6”. I can’t get over his stage presence. It’s odd enough to see a rapper alone on stage without a hype man or six, but this fellow, he demanded the stage.
After his set, our records indicated that Juggalo favorite Twiztid was next to perform. I knew that if I wanted to get an ‘”in” on this case, I would need to be as close to the stage as I could. There was one issue though, I had four albums in my hand, and I wasn’t willing to lose them. You guys are going to reimburse me, right?
I approached the bar tender who seemed very nice and asked her if there were any way she could hold my things while I went closer to the stage. She said of course, but could tell that it was my first time to a show like this and asked if I was crazy. Before I could tell her I was scared, the lights dropped and the crowed howled. I ran through the bystanders toward the main floor just in time for the members of Twiztid begin their set.
I didn’t know what I was looking at for a few minutes. I must not have studied the case well enough, but it appeared they were painted like mimes! If these guys were trying to be mimes, they were the scary as shit mimes that scare the shit out of you! And these kids had talent! It became more likely that they truly were set-up by another artist while on tour recently, as reported by TMZ! I can’t believe these guys have been rapping under the name Twiztid for over a decade now and I haven’t heard of them! I began to lose focus of my assignment just when their set ended, so I was able to gather myself. You guys, I’m starting to think this is more than a gang.
I calmly walked back up to the bartender trying to act like I didn’t have any bruised ribs from the mosh pit when suddenly I thought I was being attacked! I turned around to try to defend myself but it was too late. The person who bumped into me did so by accident and immediately apologized for “acting like an asshole.” I was hoping I could get him to talk and offer him a plea bargain about his involvement in the latest random acts of violence taking over rural communities slowly (Juggalos have been around for almost 20 years and are just now being noticed).
The bartender asked me if there was anything else she needed me to hold before the main act hit the stage. I told her that all I had left was my wallet and phone.
“Exactly,” she said, referring to the amount of soda pop that she said I would be doused with. I assumed by soda pop she meant liquid cocaine and that this was the break. This was the break in the case that would bring down the clowns.
I didn’t intend to be on the main floor for the Insane Clown Posse, as my ribs were rather sore. However, as soon as their cohort, Mike E. Clark, appeared behind some type of curtain, everyone behind me began running forward as if they were being chased by some wild animals from Ohio. Nope. No wild animals, just a passion to be as close to the stage as possible.
And this was when I decided to abort the mission.
I had been there three hours and saw nothing strange. I witnessed some of the most unique people ever, and not one of them offended or threatened me in any way. I got some free stuff just for coming, and was introduced to three of the most talented unknown artists you could imagine. If ICP was the final act, I was going to enjoy it.
When the clowns came out on the stage, my feet left the ground. I have never seen a group of people be so excited at once! Their carnival-themed music brought smiles to people with frowns literally painted on their faces! Every 30 seconds a bottle of pop slapped someone near me in the face. This was the craziest, zaniest, wildest, most amazing thing I have ever seen! And I was there to investigate if their fans were a gang?
The only thing that appeared to be incited by a mob mentality was the end of the show when hundreds of fans swarmed the stage and began throwing pumpkins, balloons, whatever they could find, all with Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope still performing.
That was it. We have been wasting our resources, taxpayer money, on investigating Juggalos.
Whoever came up with this idea, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to witness this show. Thank you for opening my eyes to something I didn’t know existed. I was witness to a special energy tonight. The energy is still in me.
And thanks for introducing me to the bartender. She told me as long as I didn’t wear my root beer cologne, she’d let me take her out to lunch tomorrow.
MCL
Officer Lambert
insaneclownposse.com
faygoluvers.net
